Ep 7 Trauma Informed Leader – Creating Safety Without Carrying Everyone’s Story
Welcome back to Leadership Lessons, the podcast where we grow from the inside out. I'm your host, Doctor. Frederick Lee II, and today's episode is not just a conversation, it's a reckoning. This is episode seven, the trauma informed leader, creating safety without carrying everyone's story. Because let's be honest for a second, most leadership training will tell you how to run a meeting, how to track KPIs, how to drive performance.
Speaker 1:But what they won't teach you is how to hold space when your team is quietly falling apart. How to navigate leadership when your people are walking into work with unspoken trauma, invisible grief, generational wounds, or the weight of yet another microaggression they're expected to just move past. They don't tell you what to do when the strongest person on your team suddenly goes silent. Or how to respond when your direct report breaks down a one on one with you and you're expected to support them and keep moving the business forward. You're not just managing projects anymore.
Speaker 1:You're managing pain. And if you've got even an ounce of empathy, you feel it. You feel it in your body, in your spirit, in your energy levels, which keep dipping lower. And the truth is, it's exhausting. So here's the real question we're answering today: How do you show up for your team compassionately without drowning in emotional overload?
Speaker 1:Do you create psychological safety without becoming your team's emotional sponge? How do you lead through trauma without becoming traumatized yourself? That's what this episode is about. We're going to break it down. What trauma informed leadership means, what it does not require of you, and how to lead with boundaries, empathy, emotional intelligence, and still protect your peace.
Speaker 1:If you're tired of carrying everyone else's emotional weight like it's part of your job description. If you're the strong one who's never been shown how to lead without losing yourself, this episode is for you. So before we go any further, I want to hear from you. Drop a comment and tell me what's the heaviest emotional lift you've ever carried as a leader and how did it change you? Let's talk about it.
Speaker 1:Let's heal through it. Let's lead differently together. Let's start by clarifying what we mean. Because this phrase gets tossed around a lot without any substance. Trauma informed leadership means you understand the trauma isn't just about someone's past.
Speaker 1:It's shaping their present. It's shaping how they work, how they relate, how they trust, and how they respond to feedback. It's shaping how safe or unsafe they feel in your presence. A trauma informed leader is someone who recognizes that emotions don't stop at the office door. And they lead in a way that prioritizes emotional safety, not shame.
Speaker 1:And no, you are not a therapist. You don't need a clinical degree. You don't have to absorb every story or solve every emotional need. But you do need awareness. You need compassion.
Speaker 1:You need boundaries and a willingness to stop pretending that trauma doesn't exist at work. This matters because trauma is not always loud. It's not always visible. It doesn't always look like a crisis. Yes, there's a big T in trauma, violence, abuse, disasters, loss, but just as powerful, sometimes more, is the small T in trauma.
Speaker 1:The kind that lingers, accumulates, and slowly breaks people down in environments that reward silence over truth. Small t trauma looks like getting cut off every time you speak. Being the only one of your identity in the room. Having to code switch just to be heard. Surviving leadership under someone who led with control, not care.
Speaker 1:Being constantly evaluated, but never supported. Working fifty hours a week and still feeling like it's not enough. These moments don't just make people unmotivated, they change people's nervous system. They rewire how people show up. They teach people not to trust.
Speaker 1:They trigger fight, flight, freeze, fawn. And most workplaces punish those responses instead of recognizing them. And guess what? People don't leave companies, they leave leaders who make them feel unsafe. Emotional intelligence skills of self awareness, empathy, and reality testing are key here.
Speaker 1:These are your tools. They help you pause and ask, what else could be true about this person's behavior? Am I seeing a performance issue or a protection response? How do I create safety instead of just enforcing compliance? Because trauma informed leadership is not about being soft, it's about being skilled.
Speaker 1:Skilled in recognizing what people need to feel seen. Skilled in making room for humanity without sacrificing accountability. Skilled in leading people, not just managing performance. So, what do trauma responses look like at work? Let's break this down.
Speaker 1:Because trauma isn't always a dramatic breakdown in the middle of a team meeting. More often, trauma is subtle. It's patterned. It's persistent. It hides in plain sight.
Speaker 1:And if you don't know what to look for, you'll label it as difficult, lazy, checked out, or unprofessional. But here's the truth. What you're seeing might not be a performance issue. It might be a protection response. If the person is in fight mode, that team member who's always combative in the meetings, who's challenging everything, gets defensive even with gentle feedback.
Speaker 1:That's not just attitude. It's fight mode. It's a trauma response designed to protect them from a perceived threat. That employee who used to be highly engaged, but now seems distant or detached, who avoids communication and takes longer to complete tasks, that's not disloyalty. Flight mode might be their nervous system pulling them away from perceived danger.
Speaker 1:That quiet team member who shuts down when asked questions, who avoids taking initiative and seems stuck, That's not incompetence. That might be freeze mode. Their brain is trying to survive an environment that feels emotionally unsafe. That employee who says yes to every task, even at the cost of their well-being. The one who avoids conflict, overextends and carries the emotional weight of the team.
Speaker 1:That's not just people pleasing. That's fawning. It's a trauma response driven by fear of disapproval or punishment. And here's the twist, leaders do it too. It isn't just about your team, it's about you.
Speaker 1:If you ever snapped at your team during a stressful week, that's fight. If you've ever delayed a difficult conversation for way too long, that's flight. If you've ever avoided giving feedback because it makes you uncomfortable. That's freeze. And if you've ever over functioned for your team to avoid conflict or guilt.
Speaker 1:That's fine. That's not bad leadership. It's wounded leadership. And it's not your fault. You are not broken.
Speaker 1:You are not a bad boss. You're just carrying what no one helped you process. You're not dysfunctional. You've been conditioned and your team has too. This is where emotional intelligence becomes your leadership superpower.
Speaker 1:Reality testing and impulse control at work here. Reality testing helps you pause and ask, what else might be happening beneath this behavior? Impulse control helps you respond with intention instead of reacting from frustration. The two together allow you to shift from what's wrong with this person to what happened to this person And how do I create safety while holding accountability? Because trauma informed leadership isn't about lowering the bar.
Speaker 1:It's about understanding why people show up how they do. So you can lead from fear to trust. That's not soft leadership. That's smart, sustainable, emotionally intelligent leadership. Now, if you've been feeling the weight of leadership this season, this is your permission slip to lead with more humanity, boundaries, and emotional clarity.
Speaker 1:You don't have to carry it all to care deeply. You don't have to choose between empathy and effectiveness. These change moves that we're about to go through will help you bridge the gap between compassion and capacity. Change move number one, honor your triggers. Leadership doesn't start in a meeting, it starts in the mirror.
Speaker 1:Take an honest look at yourself. Where do you feel irritated too quickly? Where do you avoid instead of addressing? Where do you over function and call it leadership when it's actually fear? Write it down.
Speaker 1:Track the patterns. Not to judge yourself, but to fully understand because you can't change what you don't name. This is self awareness and impulse control at work. These help you notice when reacting from old wounds instead of present wisdom. The next change move.
Speaker 1:Build a buffer. Before the next emotionally charged meeting or difficult conversation, take a pause. Take ninety seconds. Breathe. Ground yourself.
Speaker 1:Ask. What part of this is mine to hold? What can I offer without overextending? This moment of clarity can save you days of emotional fallout. The EQ skill at work here is stress tolerance.
Speaker 1:It builds your ability to stay rooted even when the emotional climate is storming. Change move number three: Use care without caring language. You don't have to absorb your team's pain to support them. You can lead with empathy and boundaries. Here's a few things that you can say to keep in your leadership toolkit.
Speaker 1:I hear you. Let's create a plan together. That matters. I want to support you and I also want to protect my capacity. I care.
Speaker 1:And I may not be the right person to walk you through this. Can I help you find someone who is? This is not disconnection. It's discernment. It's assertiveness with empathy.
Speaker 1:A combination that helps you express care without compromising energy or enabling unhealthy dynamics. Change move number four. You want to teach safety practices. If you want your team to feel safe, they need to see that safety is modeled. Not just mentioned in HR slides.
Speaker 1:So you gotta start simple. Open meetings with a sixty second emotional check-in. Ask them, How's your energy today? On a scale from one to 10. Ask reflective questions.
Speaker 1:Is there anything I've done that made you feel unsafe to share feedback? Build in moments of breath or silence, especially after conflict or difficult weeks. Emotional safety isn't about perfection, it's about presence. This is social responsibility. That emotional intelligence skill that helps you create cultures where people don't just perform, they feel seen.
Speaker 1:Change move number five. Invest in your healing. This is the most important and most overlooked part. You can't lead others safely if you lead yourself in silence. You can't pour from an empty vessel, Especially if you're the one always holding the room.
Speaker 1:So you've got to invest in coaching, therapy, boundaries, community, rest that isn't earned by burnout. You are not just a leader, you are a human being and your leadership is only as sustainable as your healing. This is emotional intelligence skills of self regard and optimism. These two keep you grounded in your worth and hopeful for what healing can bring. These change moves are not extra.
Speaker 1:They are the foundation of trauma informed leadership. They are the bridge between surviving and thriving for you and everyone you lead. Take what you need. Reflect. Write.
Speaker 1:Practice. Repeat. Because when you grow, you give everyone else permission to grow with you. So before we close this episode, before you return to your emails, your meetings, your expectations, and all this other stuff that you do, want you to take this with you. This is your coaching prompt for the week.
Speaker 1:Where have you confused emotional labor with leadership and what boundary are you ready to honor now? Are you saying yes to things you resent? Are you absorbing your team's energy and calling it support? Are you leading from burnout and calling it dedication? It's time to stop mistaking over functioning for impact.
Speaker 1:It's time to lead from clarity, not codependency. I want to hear from you. Drop your reflection in the comments. Not judgment, no pressure, just the truth. You never know who else needs to hear they're not alone.
Speaker 1:If this episode cracks something open in you, don't ignore that feeling. Reach out. You don't have to carry it all alone. Send me an email at infoMrChangeYourLife dot com. Find me on Instagram and Facebook DrFrederickDuaneLee II.
Speaker 1:I offer coaching, consulting, and executive workshops for emotionally intelligent leaders who want to do more than perform. They want to transform. Like, comment, and subscribe so you never miss an episode. Share this with that one leader who holds it down for everyone, but never stops to ask, Who's holding me? Coming up next on Leadership Lessons is episode eight, Check Your Triggers.
Speaker 1:It's about leadership, self regulation, and emotional agility. You can't avoid triggers, but you can learn how to respond to stay steady and not react. Next week, we'll explore how to use emotional intelligence to lead through pressure without losing your power. Until then, change is constant, but your growth is intentional. I'm Doctor.
Speaker 1:Fredrick Lee II, and this is your Leadership Lesson.