Ep. 6 Healing While Leading โ Navigating Pain and Power at the Same Time
Let's start with a truth that too many leaders are forced to swallow in silence. You don't have to be fully healed to lead. I know somewhere along the way you were taught the opposite. That to be respected, you had to be polished. That to be effective, you had to be emotionally bulletproof.
Dr. Lee:That leadership leaves no room for grief, for trauma, or for the parts of your story that still sting. But let me tell you what they don't say in leadership seminars. Sometimes you're leading with a broken heart. Sometimes you're mentoring someone through the very pain you've never had space to process yourself. And sometimes you're in charge of everyone else's stability while yours is quietly unraveling.
Dr. Lee:This episode is for the leader who is managing deliverables and depression. For the manager who is supporting their team through burnout while running on empty themselves. It's for the executive who smiles on Zoom while silently mourning a loss they never felt allowed to name. You are not weak. You are not failing.
Dr. Lee:You are not alone. This is Leadership Lessons, the podcast where we grow from the inside out. I am your host, Doctor. Frederick Lee II, and today's episode is a tender, powerful one. Healing while leading.
Dr. Lee:Navigating pain and power at the same time. Because the truth is titles don't erase trauma. Promotions don't protect you from grief. Climbing the ladder doesn't cancel your humanity. It just makes it just asks you to carry it with more poise.
Speaker 1:But what if you didn't have to hide it? What if healing and leading could happen at the same time? That's where we're going today. We're unpacking the emotional labor of leadership, especially for marginalized folks. Black, brown, queer, first gen, disabled professionals.
Speaker 1:Those of us who didn't walk into leadership, we clawed our way in with wounds we were never allowed to show. And today we stopped pretending. So take a breath. You made it here. Now let's talk about what it means to lead with your full humanity, Pain, power and all.
Speaker 1:See there's a myth out there. Let's call it what it is. It's a lie dressed up as leadership advice. It's those things that people tell you you have to be fully healed to lead. You have to be polished, poised, and perfectly regulated every minute of every day.
Speaker 1:If you're struggling, don't let them see it. Don't let it leak. There's no room for emotion at the top. And for far too long, many of us believed it because we had to. Especially of those of us who lead from the margins.
Speaker 1:Let me speak directly to the ones who weren't handed leadership, but had to build it brick by emotional brick. It's Black leaders who were told were too intimidating for speaking with conviction. It's queer leaders who were praised for authenticity, but punished when they lived it out loud. First gen professionals carrying the unspoken pressure of being the blueprint. Disabled leaders having to navigate accessibility battles before ever addressing strategy.
Speaker 1:It's women of color surviving double standards that drain twice the energy for half the credit. We didn't step into leadership roles with ease. We weren't groomed for the corner office or handed an executive coach at 25. We entered these rooms through back doors, side hustles, over qualification and spiritual stamina. And here's what no resume will ever capture.
Speaker 1:We showed up with invisible wounds, racial battle fatigue, The exhaustion of always being on. Always being palatable. Always being twice as good. Childhood trauma that taught us to keep performing no matter how much it hurt. Internalized oppression.
Speaker 1:The voice that still sometimes question our own worth. Workplace microaggressions. Those coded comments we translate daily while smiling through clenched teeth. The crushing pressure to always represent well. Because if we mess up, the next person like us might not get in.
Speaker 1:We don't get to walk in as blank slates. We walk in layered, textured, complex, and often still healing. And here's the beautiful, radical, disruptive truth. We lead anyway. We lead with cracked voices and tired eyes.
Speaker 1:We lead while figuring it out in real time. We lead even when no one ever showed us what leadership looked like in a body like ours. Because leadership isn't about perfection, it's about presence. It's about choosing to show up whole, not sanitized. Let me be clear.
Speaker 1:Presence is power. Vulnerability is vision. Humanity is a leadership trait, not a liability. If you've ever doubted whether your story makes you too messy to lead, then you need to hear me. Your story makes you qualified.
Speaker 1:Your scars make you credible. Your ability to hold space for others while still learning how to hold it for yourself, That makes you exceptional. You're not weak for having wounds. You're powerful because you carry them with truth and still rise. Let's throw out the myth of flawless leadership and replace it with something real.
Speaker 1:Leadership with heart, with honesty, with healing. Because that's what changes systems. That's what builds trust. And that's what makes room for others to lead without leaving parts of themselves behind. Now, let's talk about something we don't talk about enough.
Speaker 1:It's not leadership theory. It's not strategy. It's not performance reviews. Let's talk about leadership trauma. Yes, trauma.
Speaker 1:Because sometimes the harm doesn't come from a single catastrophic event. It comes from the daily erosion of your worth in the very spaces you're expected to leave. So what does leadership trauma actually look like? Okay, let me tell you. It's facilitating a meeting after being disrespected in it and still having to smile, lead, and stay professional.
Speaker 1:It's getting praised for your resilience while your body screams for rest and no one offers real support. It's being the one who holds space for everyone else's burnout, grief, conflict, but no one checks in on you. It's always being the strong one, the calm one, the one who absorbs the dysfunction so the team can keep moving. And if you're a marginalized leader, right? Black, brown, queer, first gen, disabled, neurodivergent, it's even deeper.
Speaker 1:You know what it's like to wear a mask every day because in these spaces, vulnerability isn't always safe. Sometimes it's weaponized. Sometimes it's misread as incompetence. Sometimes it's punished with silence, exclusion, or professional sabotage. So what do we do?
Speaker 1:We numb, we over function, we over prepare, we armor up, we make ourselves smaller to be more palatable. We shrink to survive and call it professionalism. But see, here's the truth. Unprocessed pain doesn't stay quiet forever. It leaks out.
Speaker 1:It leaks in subtle, exhausting, sometimes invisible ways. Let me tell you, this is what's going happen. You snap at someone for a small mistake, but it's really about being chronically disrespected. You apologize in every email, in every meeting, even when you've done nothing wrong. You say yes when you want to scream no because being liked feels safer than being honest.
Speaker 1:You battle imposter syndrome even though you've outperformed everyone around you. You feel emotionally numb but still show up to every call, every crisis, every deadline. That's not leadership weakness. That's emotional survival. And it's costing you something.
Speaker 1:It's costing you your peace, your presence, your joy. And this is where emotional intelligence becomes more than a buzzword. It becomes your lifeline. It's what helps you recognize when your trauma is talking, not your truth. It's what helps you pause before reacting from pain.
Speaker 1:It's what helps you create boundaries instead of absorbing harm. It helps you lead with clarity, not codependency. It helps you hold compassion for yourself while holding accountability for others. You are not too emotional. You are carrying the weight of an invisible job description.
Speaker 1:Be excellent, be polite, be unbothered, be exceptional, and never let them see you bleed. But that ends here. Because real leadership doesn't ask you to sacrifice your mental health for the sake of performance. It invites you to lead without losing yourself. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1:You don't have to put your pain on hold to show up as a powerful present leader. You can heal while you lead. You can protect your peace and your performance. Here's how you do it. Change move number one.
Speaker 1:Acknowledging the woe. Say even if it's to yourself, I'm carrying something right now. That might be grief, burnout, old trauma resurfacing, a bad week, a bad week where you haven't processed it yet. You don't have to post it. You don't have to explain it to your team, but you do have to stop pretending it isn't there.
Speaker 1:Write it in your journal. Say it in therapy. Say it out loud during a walk or a solo drive because pain that you refuse to name will always find another way to speak. This is emotional self awareness. The more you know about what you're feeling, the less it controls how you lead.
Speaker 1:Change move number two. You need to lead from transparency, not trauma. See, here's the key. You don't need to tell your team every detail of your struggle. You don't need to bleed out in the meetings, but you can be honest.
Speaker 1:Okay? Here's some suggestions. I'm navigating some things personally. I'm still committed, but I may need a little extra grace this week. You're not giving details.
Speaker 1:You're not going into the weeds. You're simply telling them like, Hey, I'm going through something and I need some understanding. That simple sentence gives your team permission to also be human. It normalizes what we all pretend isn't happening. Life doesn't stop just because we went to work.
Speaker 1:This isn't oversharing it's leadership with integrity. It's emotional expression. That's the EQ skill which helps you share emotions in a way that's clear appropriate and connected to purpose not reaction. Change move number three. You have to protect your capacity.
Speaker 1:Resting is not laziness. It's leadership strategy. You are not a machine. And when your emotional tank is low, everything costs more energy. I'm giving you permission to slip.
Speaker 1:Cancel the non essential meetings. Say not today to that new task. Log off on time and don't apologize. Let silence exist without rushing to fill it. Every yes costs you something.
Speaker 1:Make sure you're not spending your peace for someone else's comfort. This is assertiveness and stress tolerance. These skills help you stand in your truth without guilt and withstand pressure without breaking. Change move number four. Create space for others to be human too.
Speaker 1:Here's the ripple effect. When you model vulnerability, you don't just help yourself, you give others permission to exhale. Because your team is tired of pretending too. They're craving realness, safety, humanity not just from HR but from you. So try this.
Speaker 1:How's your energy today? Open a meeting with a check-in not a checklist not one of these dopey little icebreakers. But a true check-in. Celebrate progress not just productivity. When people feel safe to be human they work like they're valued not just used.
Speaker 1:This is empathy and interpersonal relationships. Those EQ skills that help you feel with people not just for them and build cultures where people don't have to armor up to be respected. Change move number five. Give yourself what you give others. You check on your team, you affirm their efforts, you extend grace when they fall short.
Speaker 1:So why not give that same care to yourself? Would you let someone else work through illness, grief, or anxiety without checking in on them? Would you expect them to do their best work without rest? Absolutely not. Then don't ask it of yourself.
Speaker 1:Talk to yourself the way you talk to someone you lead with love. Rest like someone you believe in is depending on it. Because they are. You are. This is self regard and optimism.
Speaker 1:These help you to recognize your own worth and see the possibility for better. Even when today is hard. While healing while leading isn't about getting it perfect, it's about creating room to lead with honesty, clarity, and compassion for others and yourself. Because that's not weakness. That's what real leadership looks like.
Speaker 1:Let me say this clearly and without apology. You can hold authority and still carry grief. You can walk into the room with the title, the credentials, the team and still be grieving a loss that leadership doesn't pause to acknowledge. That doesn't make you weak. That makes you human.
Speaker 1:You can carry impact and still feel insecure. You can be the one everyone looks to for answers. The one delivering the strategy, coaching the team, setting the pace, and still have moments where you doubt if you belong. That doesn't make you fraudulent. That makes you honest.
Speaker 1:You can lead while still learning how to be gentle with yourself. You can inspire others, set vision, and build culture while still working through your own internal battles with burnout, self worth, or trauma. That doesn't make you broken. That makes you courageous. Leadership isn't about performing strength.
Speaker 1:It's about showing up with perfect emotional posture while your inner world is screaming for relief. It's not about turning off your pain so other people can stay comfortable. This is not about oversharing. This is not about turning every meeting into a therapy session. This is about honoring your emotional truth as part of your leadership, not in spite of it.
Speaker 1:Because the truth is you lead best when you lead from wholeness, not from hiding. You create safety for others when you stop abandoning yourself and you model sustainability when you stop sacrificing your soul in the name of success. And that's where your emotional intelligence comes in. Emotional intelligence isn't just a nice to have or a fluffy HR term on a slide deck. It's your emotional GPS.
Speaker 1:It is the tool that helps you navigate your feelings instead of suppressing them. It helps you hold space without absorbing everyone's pain. It helps you pause before reacting from trauma. And it helps you lead with clarity even when you're carrying complexity. It's what helps you stay connected to your purpose without losing your peace.
Speaker 1:It's how you keep leading without abandoning yourself along the way. Because here's the truth. The more honest you are about what hurts, the more you can lead with integrity, empathy, and sustainability. Not in a way that drains you, but in a way that nourishes you and liberates everyone watching. That's not soft leadership.
Speaker 1:That's sacred leadership. And it's the kind that changes cultures, not just calendars. Let's slow down for a moment. Close your notes. Quiet the noise.
Speaker 1:Take a deep breath. This is your coaching moment, and it's for you. What pain are you carrying that you haven't named yet? And how is it showing up in your leadership? Let that question sit with you.
Speaker 1:Write it down. Don't don't rush past it. Is it that burnout you've been pushing through? Is it the grief you never had space to process? Is it the daily microaggressions you've normalized just to survive?
Speaker 1:Is it the pressure to be the strong one while secretly unraveling? Because here's what I know. If you don't name it, you'll carry it into your tone. If you don't feel it, you will leak it into your leadership. And if you don't make space for your healing, your leadership becomes another mask.
Speaker 1:So I want to hear from you. Drop your reflection in the comments. Say it loud. Say it quietly, but say something. Your voice matters and you never know who needs to hear that.
Speaker 1:They're not alone. And if this episode hit your spirit, if it felt, made you feel seen, if it cracked open or finally understood, let's go deeper. You don't have to figure this out yourself. I offer private coaching for purpose driven leaders, trauma informed consulting for executives and teams, keynotes and workshops that build emotional intelligence into the bones of your leadership culture. Email me at infomrchangeyourlife dot com.
Speaker 1:Connect with me on Instagram and Facebook, DrFrederickDuaneLee II. Don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe, so you never miss a moment of this journey. And please share this episode with someone who's always holding space for others, but rarely makes space for themselves. They need this. You might have just become their permission slip.
Speaker 1:Up next, the trauma informed leader, creating a safety we're carrying everyone's story. In this episode, we're going to unpack how to recognize trauma responses in your team and how to lead with empathy without absorbing everything as your responsibility. Because compassion shouldn't cost you your capacity. Until then, remember this, change is constant, but your growth is intentional. I'm Doctor.
Speaker 1:Frederick Lee II, and this has been your leadership lesson.