Have you ever walked into a meeting… taken a quick look around the room…
and realized you were the only one who looked like you…
thought like you…
or lived like you?
Maybe it hit you in the silence before the meeting started.
Maybe it was in the small talk you didn’t quite connect with.
Or maybe it was in the sideways glance you caught when you spoke up.
And in that moment — without anyone telling you to — you started trimming pieces of yourself.
You shifted your tone so you wouldn’t sound “too” something.
You chose different words, carefully sidestepping the language that’s natural to you.
You edited your story — not because it wasn’t relevant, not because it wasn’t valuable —
but because you weren’t sure it would be welcome.
🎯 Digital short: "Belonging isn’t about fitting in — it’s about being valued for exactly who you are."
Here’s the thing — this isn’t just a feeling. It’s a leadership reality.
For many leaders, especially those from historically marginalized backgrounds,
the professional spaces we step into were not built with our full expression in mind.
They were designed around a dominant culture — often unintentionally — that rewards sameness and quietly pressures difference to shrink.
And yet… here we are.
Leading in those spaces.
Shaping them.
And — whether we mean to or not — challenging them to expand.
🎯 Digital short: "If the room wasn’t built for you, every time you lead authentically, you’re rebuilding it for someone else too."
But here’s the challenge:
How do you navigate a space where the unspoken rule is to blend in…
when you know your real strength comes from standing out?
Can you belong without blending in?
Can you lead without erasing the parts of you that make you… you?
Because assimilation might get you through the door…
but authenticity is what makes sure you’re truly at the table.
🎯 Digital short: "Assimilation gets you in the room. Authenticity changes the room."
Today’s episode is called:
“Belonging Without Assimilation – Leading Authentically in Dominant Culture Spaces.”
We’re going to unpack:
• What it really means to belong without losing yourself
• How emotional intelligence can help you lead with your full identity intact
• And practical steps — Change Moves — to thrive without disappearing
So whether you’ve been “the only one” in the room…
or you’re in a position to make sure no one feels like the only one…
this conversation will give you the tools to lead in a way that’s powerful, inclusive, and real.
Segment 1: The Difference Between Belonging and Assimilation (8–10 minutes)
🎯 Digital short: "Leaders set the thermostat for belonging — you decide if the climate welcomes difference or freezes it out." There’s a difference between belonging and blending in.
And if you don’t name that difference, you can end up chasing one… while slowly losing the other.
Belonging is being valued because of who you are — your perspective, your lived experience, your leadership style, your voice.
Assimilation is being accepted only if you change to fit the dominant norm — the unspoken rules of “how we do things here,” even if those rules strip away the very qualities that make you effective.
📚 According to Deloitte’s 2017 Uncovering Talent study, 61% of employees “cover” aspects of their identity at work to avoid bias or negative judgment. That means hiding cultural expressions, downplaying parts of personality, or avoiding topics that feel “too different” from the majority. This pattern is especially common among people of color, LGBTQ+ employees, women in male-dominated industries, and leaders whose paths or styles don’t mirror the traditional mold.
🎯 Digital short: "Covering your identity might feel safe today — but it costs you authenticity tomorrow."
Here’s why assimilation is a short-term strategy with long-term costs:
The Hidden Tax of Assimilation:
1. It drains emotional energy. Constant code-switching and self-editing require mental effort that could be spent on creativity, strategy, and problem-solving.
2. It creates a leadership gap. When leaders can’t fully express themselves, teams lose access to diverse perspectives — the very thing that drives innovation.
3. It erodes trust. People notice when a leader is holding back. It makes authenticity feel like a performance instead of a presence.
Example: Imagine a Black female director who, after hearing offhand comments about “professionalism,” decides never to wear her natural hair to board meetings. Her leadership presence still looks polished… but it’s incomplete. And over time, that incomplete version becomes the only version her peers see.
🎯 Digital short: "If the only way to succeed is to disappear, that’s not success — that’s erasure."
And here’s why this matters for all leaders, not just those from underrepresented backgrounds:
Even if you’re part of the dominant culture, you are shaping the environment. You set the tone for whether people feel they must assimilate or whether they’re free to bring their full selves to the table.
Every comment you make… every behavior you model… every silence you let pass without challenge… signals to your team what’s safe and what’s not.
Segment 2: Emotional Intelligence as the Foundation for Authentic Leadership (8–10 minutes)
🎯 Digital short: "Belonging is built in relationships — assimilation is built in isolation."
Let’s get something clear right from the start:
Emotional Intelligence (EI) is not a “soft skill.” It’s a leadership survival skill — especially when you’re navigating identity, culture, and power in spaces where the dominant norms weren’t built with you in mind.
Psychologist Daniel Goleman defines Emotional Intelligence as “the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions and the emotions of others.”
In dominant culture spaces, that skill becomes the compass that tells you when you’re adapting for connection versus when you’re erasing yourself for approval.
Because here’s the truth — the line between those two is thin. And if you don’t have the awareness to spot it, you can cross it without realizing you’ve left parts of yourself behind.
So, let’s break down four EI skills every leader needs to belong without assimilating:
1. Self-Awareness
🎯 Digital short: "Self-awareness is knowing the line between adapting and erasing yourself."
This is your ability to know what’s core to your identity — and recognize the exact moment you’re about to compromise it.
📚 Harvard Business Review (2021) found that leaders with high self-awareness are 39% more likely to build inclusive cultures where others also feel safe to be themselves.
Ask yourself:
• What aspects of my identity do I consistently hide at work?
• When I adjust my behavior, is it for strategic connection or for self-protection?
Self-awareness isn’t just naming your feelings — it’s noticing the micro-decisions you make in a room, on a call, or in a negotiation… and asking if those decisions are aligned with who you really are.
2. Assertiveness
Assimilation thrives in silence. Assertiveness interrupts it.
It’s the skill that lets you speak your needs, hold boundaries, and offer perspectives without apologizing for existing.
Example: Instead of staying quiet when holiday schedules are planned around one tradition, you say — “Let’s make sure our calendar reflects multiple cultural celebrations so everyone sees themselves here.”
📚 Journal of Applied Psychology (2020) found that assertive communication increases perceived leadership effectiveness across diverse teams — especially when leaders address cultural blind spots.
Assertiveness doesn’t mean being aggressive — it means refusing to make yourself invisible for the sake of comfort.
3. Reality Testing
This is your ability to separate perception from fact — to check if the pressure you feel to assimilate is truly necessary or just a reflection of unspoken norms.
When you feel that pull to blend in, ask:
• Is this an actual requirement of my role?
• Or is it an unexamined cultural norm I could respectfully challenge?
📚 Stanford Graduate School of Business (2020) found that leaders who question unexamined norms create cultures with higher innovation and retention rates.
Reality testing gives you permission to break rules that were never written for you in the first place.
4. Interpersonal Relationships
🎯 Digital short: "Belonging is relational. Assimilation is isolation."
Belonging is never built in a vacuum — it’s relational.
It’s about intentionally building trust with people who will amplify your voice and protect your authenticity when you’re not in the room.
📚 Catalyst (2022) found that leaders with strong relational networks were significantly more likely to advance without compromising authenticity.
That means identifying your allies, nurturing mutual trust, and making sure that when decisions are made — your perspective is carried into the conversation even if you’re not sitting at the table.
Segment 3: Change Moves – Practical Shifts Toward Authentic Leadership (7–9 minutes)
These five Change Moves are more than tips — they’re leadership practices.
Each one can stand alone, but together they form a toolkit for leading authentically in dominant culture spaces without erasing yourself.
🔄 Change Move 1: Identify Your Non-Negotiables
🧠 EI Focus: Self-Regard + Self-Awareness
Here’s the first step — decide what’s not up for negotiation in your leadership identity.
🎯 Digital short: "If you don’t define your non-negotiables, someone else will — and they won’t have your authenticity in mind."
Write down three aspects of who you are — your values, your leadership style, your cultural expressions — that you will not compromise.
This could be how you communicate, the way you lead meetings, your commitment to mentoring underrepresented staff, or even something personal, like your style of dress that reflects your heritage.
📚 McKinsey & Company (2023) found that leaders with clear, articulated personal values are three times more trustedby their teams.
When you know your non-negotiables, every decision about how you show up becomes easier. They become your internal compass, guiding your yes, your no, and your next move.
And here’s the secret — non-negotiables aren’t about being rigid. They’re about being rooted.
🤝 Change Move 2: Build Your Authenticity Allies
🧠 EI Focus: Interpersonal Relationships
🎯 Digital short: "Authenticity grows in community — not in isolation."
No leader thrives alone — especially not in spaces where dominant culture norms can make authenticity feel risky.
Your Authenticity Allies are the people who affirm your whole self, amplify your perspective, and have your back in the rooms you’re not in.
Here’s how to find them:
• Identify colleagues who listen without judgment and value your unique lens.
• Build mutual trust — this isn’t about favoritism; it’s about shared commitment to authenticity.
• Strategically involve them in projects or meetings where your voice needs amplification.
📚 Catalyst (2022) research shows that leaders with strong, trust-based networks advance more quickly and with less pressure to assimilate.
And remember — you can be an authenticity ally for others, too. The more leaders stand up for each other’s wholeness, the less oxygen assimilation has to survive.
🛑 Change Move 3: Use Adaptation Scripts (Not Erasure Scripts)
🧠 EI Focus: Assertiveness
🎯 Digital short: "Adaptation is connection — erasure is compliance."
Here’s the difference:
• Adaptation Script: “Here’s how I approach this based on my background…”
• Erasure Script: “I can do it the way you want so it’s not different.”
Adaptation keeps your identity present while making space for collaboration. Erasure removes your perspective so you can blend in — and that robs the room of your insight.
📚 Journal of Applied Psychology (2020) found that assertive leaders who integrate personal perspective into their communication increase team problem-solving effectiveness.
In practice, this means owning your lens while staying open to others. You’re not “fitting in” — you’re adding in.
🧾 Change Move 4: Audit the ‘Covering’ Moments
🧠 EI Focus: Self-Awareness + Reality Testing
🎯 Digital short: "If you can’t name when you’re covering, you can’t stop doing it."
Start tracking when, where, and why you hide parts of your identity at work.
It could be avoiding certain topics, downplaying your cultural background, or softening your leadership style.
For each moment, ask yourself:
• Is this necessary for my safety?
• Or is it just habit I’ve picked up from years of trying to blend in?
📚 Deloitte’s Uncovering Talent report (2017) shows that “covering” is widespread — but most leaders don’t realize how often they’re doing it until they deliberately track it.
This simple audit can be eye-opening. Once you see the pattern, you can start making conscious choices about when to adapt — and when to stand firm.
🆘 Change Move 5: Normalize Cultural Curiosity
🧠 EI Focus: Empathy
🎯 Digital short: "When curiosity is the norm, assimilation loses its power."
In dominant culture spaces, the expectation is often that those who are different will do all the adapting.
Cultural curiosity flips that script.
It’s about modeling interest in other people’s backgrounds, traditions, and perspectives — and inviting that same curiosity toward yours.
Here’s what it sounds like:
• “I’d love to hear how your team approaches this in your culture.”
• “This is how my background shaped my perspective — what about you?”
📚 Harvard Business Review (2022) found that culturally curious teams show higher trust and collaboration scores across diverse workforces.
When curiosity becomes the norm, belonging becomes possible — and assimilation becomes unnecessary.
Wrap-Up & Closing (1:30+ minutes)
🎯 Digital short: "If the room wasn’t built for you, your authenticity is the renovation it needs."
So here’s the truth:
You weren’t invited to lead because you could mimic what already exists.
You were chosen because you bring something no one else can.
Belonging without assimilation is not about rejecting every norm.
It’s about rejecting the erasure of yourself.
It’s the difference between making space and making yourself smaller.
Between connecting and conforming.
Between showing up and blending in.
And for leaders — whether you’re navigating dominant culture as an insider or an outsider — your responsibility is the same:
Create spaces where no one has to leave part of themselves at the door just to be welcomed inside.
🎯 Digital short: "Real leadership doesn’t just open the door — it makes sure people can walk in as their whole selves."
If this episode spoke to you, share it with a leader who’s ready to lead with their full identity intact.
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.
And in our next episode, we’re tackling something every leader wrestles with — the fine line between transparency and overexposure — and how to decide what parts of your story belong in the workplace.
Until then —
Be seen.
Be whole.
And lead like your identity matters… because it absolutely does.
I’m Dr. Fredrick Lee II, and this has been your Leadership Lesson.