🎙️ Episode 10: “The Cost of Being the Strong One – Leading When You're Tired of Holding It All Together”
What happens when the one everyone leans on… starts to collapse under the weight?
What happens when you are the calm in the storm, the fixer in the crisis, the go-to in the chaos—but no one notices the cracks forming beneath your smile?
Welcome back to Leadership Lessons, where we do not just talk about the work—we talk about the weight of it.
I am Dr. Fredrick Lee II, and today… we are talking about a cost that too many leaders—especially those who are high achieving, deeply empathetic, and often isolated in their excellence—know far too well.
This is for the ones who carry the room. The ones who are asked to calm it down, hold it together, fix it fast, and do it all with grace.
This is for those of you who are tired… but still showing up.
Today's episode is called: "The Cost of Being the Strong One – Leading When You're Tired of Holding It All Together."
In this episode, we will unpack the emotional toll of constantly showing up as “the strong one,” and explore how emotional intelligence can help you lead without losing yourself in the process.
Then, we will go deeper—with a segment specifically for Black women, grounded in Black Feminist Thought. We will talk about the historical expectations of strength, the emotional tax of leadership, and what it means to reclaim rest, softness, and truth.
So, take a breath with me—because this one is about more than performance. It is about permission.
Permission to stop carrying it all.
Permission to be held.
And permission to lead from a place that honors your whole self, not just the parts that perform strength.
Let us get into it.
[Segment 1: The Burden of “Holding It All Together” | 7–9 minutes]
Let’s name it… so we can change it.
The “strong one” archetype—that image of the steady, unshakeable leader who carries everyone else—it is seductive. Society rewards it. Organizations promote it. Families and communities lean on it.
But let us be real: it is also suffocating.
We are taught that strength means pushing through, no matter the cost. That “good” leadership is being on all the time—composed, competent, and selfless. We internalize the belief that asking for help signals weakness. That expressing fatigue disqualifies us from being taken seriously.
But what if being “the strong one” is costing you something deeper?
What if it is costing you the ability to be honest… about what you need?
Let us unpack this through the lens of Emotional Intelligence, which is more than just a buzzword—it is a critical framework for healthy, sustainable leadership. According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, EI is comprised of five core competencies. Four of them are especially relevant here:
1. Self-Awareness
This is the foundation. It is your ability to recognize your own emotions and understand how they influence your thoughts and behaviors.
Here is the hard truth:
Sometimes what we call “strength” is just emotional suppression in disguise.
You say, “I’ve got it,” when you do not.
You say, “I’m fine,” when you are exhausted.
You over-function because you do not want to feel like a burden.
🧠 Research Insight: Studies from the American Psychological Association (APA) show that leaders with low self-awareness are more likely to experience burnout, poor interpersonal relationships, and decision fatigue—all masked under the illusion of “competence” (APA, 2021).
📌 Practical Example:
You are leading a team through a challenging project. You are staying late, smoothing over team conflict, and shielding your boss from delays. Everyone thanks you for being “so reliable,” but no one knows you cried in your car yesterday.
That is not sustainable. That’s a warning sign.
2. Reality Testing
This EI competency is about seeing things for what they are, not what you wish they were or what you have been conditioned to accept.
Ask yourself:
“Is what I’m carrying sustainable… or just expected?”
“Am I really OK… or am I just used to being overwhelmed?”
🧠 Research Insight:
According to Gallup’s State of the Global Workplace Report (2023), 44% of employees report feeling stress “a lot of the day.” Among managers, this rate is even higher. Why? Because many leaders normalize chronic overload as just “part of the job.”
📌 Practical Example:
You have not taken a real vacation in 2 years. You tell yourself, “It’s not a good time.” But it is never a good time. That’s not loyalty—it’s dysfunction disguised as dedication.
3. Emotional Expression
This is your ability to communicate feelings authentically and constructively.
When was the last time you said:
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I’m not at my best right now.”
“I need support.”
And when you did say it, did you believe you still had value in that moment?
🧠 Research Insight:
Brene Brown’s research on vulnerability reveals that emotionally expressive leaders are more trusted, more relatable, and better equipped to foster psychological safety within their teams (Brown, 2018).
📌 Practical Example:
You are managing back-to-back deadlines. Your team asks for yet another meeting. Instead of silently absorbing it, you say, “I want to give this my full attention, but I need a breather first. Can we meet after lunch?”
That is emotional intelligence. That is leadership with honesty.
4. Interpersonal Relationships
This is about building trust and mutual respect—and it starts with letting people see you.
Too many strong leaders do not just carry the load—they hide under it.
Vulnerability does not make you a less effective leader. It makes you a more human one.
🧠 Research Insight:
A 2022 study in Harvard Business Review found that employees are more engaged and more likely to stay at organizations where leaders show emotional authenticity and model work-life boundaries.
📌 Practical Example:
You have been powering through, but it is showing. One of your team members quietly asks, “Are you okay?” You resist the urge to brush it off. Instead, you say, “Honestly? I have been better. Thanks for asking.”
That one sentence can transform your culture.
So, I want to ask you a few hard, honest questions:
• Who checks in on you without needing something?
• Who have you let in enough to see your fatigue?
• When is the last time you told the truth about your bandwidth?
These are not soft questions. They are survival questions.
Because the cost of being the strong one is not just exhaustion—it is emotional invisibility.
It is over-functioning in silence.
It is earning worth through performance.
It is waking up one day and realizing… you have built a version of leadership that does not leave room for your humanity.
The truth is, strength without support is not resilience.
It is erosion.
Let us start telling the truth about what it costs us to always be “the strong one.”
And more importantly—let us start building leadership cultures that do not make it the only option.
[Segment 2: A Word to Black Women – Rooted in Black Feminist Thought | 8–10 minutes]
Now… I want to speak directly to Black women.
Because this conversation?
It don’t just resonate—it reverberates.
It echoes down the halls of our grandmothers’ sacrifices, through the classrooms we’ve led, the boardrooms we’ve broken into, the hospital floors we’ve held together, and the family dinners we’ve cooked—while managing crises nobody saw.
This hits different—because your strength has been demanded, not just admired.
Expected, not always respected.
Extracted, rarely replenished.
And I want to say this clearly:
You are not invisible.
You are not “too much.”
You are not here to hold the whole world together while yours falls apart.
📚 Black Feminist Thought—brilliantly woven by scholars like Patricia Hill Collins, bell hooks, Kimberlé Crenshaw, and Audre Lorde—tells us something essential:
The myth of the strong Black woman is not a compliment.
It’s a cage.
It’s been built by systems that love your labor, but not your lament.
That praises your performance, but punishes your truth.
That exploits your excellence, but denies your exhaustion.
Let’s call it what it is:
You have been cast as the backbone, the healer, the savior, the one who shows up even when she’s breaking inside.
And when you speak up?
You're called angry.
When you cry?
You're called unstable.
When you rest?
You're called lazy.
But I want you to know this:
🧠 Emotional Intelligence isn’t just a toolkit for leaders—it’s a liberation practice for Black women.
Let me walk you through what it looks like:
💡 Self-Regard:
Honor your worth—not just when you’re producing, but when you’re breathing.
You don’t have to earn rest. You deserve it.
Not after the report is done. Not after the kids are asleep. Now. Because your existence alone is worthy of care.
💡 Emotional Self-Awareness:
Give yourself permission to name your emotions fully and freely.
You’re allowed to say:
“I’m tired.”
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I need someone to show up for me.”
Saying those words doesn’t make you weak—it makes you whole.
💡 Assertiveness & Boundaries:
You can say no and still be a nurturer.
You can set a limit and still lead with love.
Boundaries are not barriers to connection—they are bridges to self-respect.
💡 Empathy (for yourself):
You give grace to everyone else. Give some back to yourself.
You are doing more than enough.
Even when it feels like the world is asking for one more miracle from your tired hands.
Let me say this plainly:
✨ You are allowed to be tired.
✨ You are allowed to be soft.
✨ You are allowed not to have it all together.
✨ You are allowed to be held.
You are a leader, not because you suffer well, but because you live fully.
So, I ask you:
What would it mean to stop surviving leadership… and start living in it?
What would it mean to define strength, not as silence or stoicism, but as truth-telling, rest, and joy?
What if rest wasn’t the reward, but the requirement?
What if softness wasn’t the opposite of power, but its source?
📚 Black Feminist Thought tells us that lived experience is knowledge.
That your feelings are data.
Your emotions are intelligence.
Your rest is resistance.
And your truth? That’s revolutionary.
So to every Black woman listening right now—
Let this be your permission slip.
You don’t have to be the strong one today.
You just have to be the whole one.
And that… is more than enough.
[Segment 3: Leadership Practices for the Tired, the Strong, and the Silent | 5–7 minutes]
So what do you do when you’re leading… but tired?
When you’re high-performing… but hollowed out?
When you know you need support… but no one’s offering it unless you ask?
Let’s pivot to some practical moves—what I call Change Moves—designed for moments like these. These aren’t about “pushing through.” These are about leading yourself with the same care and strategy you give to others.
The truth is, emotional intelligence without self-awareness is merely performance, not practice.
🔹 Change Move 1: Schedule Rest Like Responsibility
🧠 EI Element: Reality Testing + Self-Regard
Let’s stop treating rest like a reward you earn after productivity. Rest is not indulgence—it’s preventative maintenance. It’s the fuel, not the finish line.
📅 What to do:
• Block rest into your calendar like a standing meeting.
• Treat it with the same non-negotiable respect you would a board presentation or a one-on-one with your VP.
• Protect it from guilt and over-justification.
💡 Support:
Research from the Harvard Business Review (2021) found that leaders who protect time for rest and recovery report higher emotional regulation, stronger decision-making, and better long-term team outcomes. Rest isn’t passive. It’s productive recovery.
📌 Example:
You wouldn’t skip a high-stakes meeting for your team. Don’t skip your own restoration.
Add a 15-minute “reset break” between meetings. Walk. Stretch. Breathe. Honor your humanity.
🔹 Change Move 2: Create a “Check-In Circle”
🧠 EI Element: Interpersonal Relationships + Empathy
Leadership can be isolating, especially when you’re the one everyone relies on. That’s why you need a check-in circle—a few trusted people who see you beyond your role.
👥 What to do:
• Identify 2–3 people you can be real with—no performance required.
• Set regular, mutual check-ins. These aren’t vent sessions—they’re truth-telling spaces.
• Use prompts like “What are you carrying this week?” or “Where are you feeling full or empty?”
💡 Support:
Psychologist Susan David’s work on emotional agility shows that naming emotions in safe spaces increases emotional flexibility, resilience, and well-being. You need places where you don’t have to be the hero—just human.
📌 Example:
Maybe it’s a group chat, maybe it’s a 20-minute Zoom every Friday. The form doesn’t matter. The freedom to be seen without being strong does.
🔹 Change Move 3: Use Boundary Scripts
🧠 EI Element: Assertiveness + Impulse Control
Let’s get real—many of us know we’re stretched too thin… but we don’t know how to say it out loud. We default to yes because saying no feels like failure.
That’s why you need boundary scripts—prepared language that honors your limits without guilt.
🗣️ Practice saying:
• “I can’t take that on right now.”
• “I’m at capacity.”
• “Let me come back to you when I’ve rested.”
• “Can we revisit this next week?”
💡 Support:
According to the Center for Creative Leadership, leaders who set clear boundaries are more respected, not less—and their teams perform better due to clarity, predictability, and modeling healthy work-life integration.
📌 Example:
Instead of ghosting a request, respond with:
“Thanks for thinking of me. I’m protecting my time right now so I can show up with intention. Let’s revisit this in two weeks.”
That’s leadership with backbone and grace.
🔹 Change Move 4: Track Your Emotional Load
🧠 EI Element: Emotional Self-Awareness + Stress Tolerance
You’re probably carrying more than you realize—and most of it isn’t in your job description. That’s what we call invisible labor—emotional processing, conflict mediation, anticipation of team needs, DEI advocacy, and more.
📝 What to do:
• Start a weekly “Emotional Load Log.”
• List everything you’re holding—not just tasks, but feelings, fears, and invisible weight.
• Reflect on patterns. Are you carrying what should’ve been shared?
💡 Support:
The American Institute of Stress notes that leaders often internalize others’ emotions, especially in caregiving or culturally taxing environments, which leads to emotional fatigue and burnout. Awareness is the first step to recalibration.
📌 Example:
Write: “This week I calmed a teammate’s anxiety, carried guilt over a missed deadline, and kept silent in a meeting to avoid conflict.”
Now ask: What can I release? What needs to be named? What needs to be shared?
🔹 Change Move 5: Reframe Asking for Help as a Leadership Strategy
🧠 EI Element: Independence + Flexibility + Reality Testing
Here’s the truth that high achievers struggle to accept:
Asking for help isn’t failure. It’s strategic delegation. It’s wise leadership.
And if you never ask for help, your team will assume they shouldn’t either.
🔁 What to do:
• Start asking for small help, regularly. Build the muscle.
• Normalize mutual support within your team or peer network.
• Praise others who ask for help—model the culture you want.
💡 Support:
A Stanford study on workplace performance showed that leaders who delegate and ask for support are viewed as more competent and collaborative than those who over-function.
📌 Example:
Instead of saying “I’ll just do it,” try:
“I’d love your help thinking this through. I’m feeling stuck.”
Or:
“Can you take lead on this while I recharge and come back fresh?”
Let asking for help be a bridge, not a burden.
So here they are—your Change Moves:
1. Schedule Rest Like Responsibility
2. Create a Check-In Circle
3. Use Boundary Scripts
4. Track Your Emotional Load
5. Reframe Asking for Help as Leadership
These are not fluffy suggestions. These are essential survival strategies for sustainable, emotionally intelligent leadership.
You don’t have to burn out to be seen as committed.
You don’t have to suffer to be taken seriously.
You don’t have to carry it all to be respected.
What you need is not weakness—it’s wisdom.
So give yourself permission to lead with that.
[Wrap-Up + Closing – 1:30 min minimum]
So… if you’re the strong one—
This is your reminder:
Strength should never mean self-erasure.
You are not a machine. You are not the fixer of all things.
You are more than your output, your poise, your ability to hold it all together.
You are allowed to pause.
You are allowed to feel.
You are even allowed to fall apart—because leadership that doesn’t make room for your full humanity is not leadership you can sustain.
And to every Black woman who’s been holding it down while holding it in…
I see you. I honor you. I’m rooting for your softness.
Let me leave you with the words of the great Audre Lorde:
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation—and that is an act of political warfare.”
💬 If this episode spoke to you, I’d love to hear about it.
Leave a comment, share it with a fellow leader, and make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next.
🎁 BONUS EPISODE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Next up, I’ve got something special for you—
A bonus episode diving into Social Cognitive Theory and how understanding behavior, identity, and environment can help you lead with more insight, more clarity, and more impact in your organization.
🎙️ And in Episode 11:
“From Burnout to Balance – Building a Leadership Lifestyle That Doesn’t Break You”
We’ll explore how to spot the early signs of burnout, the emotional and physical toll it takes, and how to rebuild a rhythm of leadership rooted in balance, not just busyness.
So hit that subscribe button, drop us a rating, and keep showing up—not as who the world demands you to be, but as who you truly are.
Be well.
Be whole.
And lead like your healing matters—because it absolutely does.
I am Dr. Fredrick Lee II and this has been your Leadership Lesson